So here I am! I have never posted on any trying to conceive forum before but I've been reading these boards since before I miscarried in December and they've been a comfort. I also really wanted to share my BFP story because I haven't seen any quite like mine. The spotting that lead up to my BFP both in this pregnancy and my last one was longer and I think a bit heavier than how implantation bleeding is typically described (if that's what it was). This was our third month trying to conceive after our miscarriage. With our miscarriage we conceived on our first try (yay)! We saw the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks and then at 8 weeks there was no heartbeat anymore and our darling angel had not grown really beyond the last ultrasound. It was devastating and very traumatic. I miscarried at home naturally and found out what labour must feel like. I'm glad I did that though because it helped my grieving process. So there's the background, here's the story:
The first two months I was checking my temperature in the morning but this month I stopped because I was obsessing enough as it was. So this month, just going by CM we Bd'd on CD 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.
9 DPO: Did an at home yoga practice (I'm a yoga teacher, teaching pre-natal and regular yoga). Did a very light practice (for me) and noticed afterwards I had just the tiniest bit of brown spotting and then a streak of red on TP. I pretty much figured AF was coming because since the miscarriage I have been spotting starting around 7-8 DPO until AF BUT I did have IB for 5-7 days with my first pregnancy so I hadn't completely given up hope at this point.
10 DPO: When I woke up in the morning to pee I found there was LOTS of bright, watered down, pink spotting on tp when I wiped. Way more than I would usually get from spotting before AF. It was enough that it filled up (not soaked) the whole tp. Still, I didn't remember seeing that much on the tp in my first pregnancy (but I wasn't keeping track then so didn't really remember). A few hours later the toilet was full of bright pink with a BMm (sorry TMI). See a bit of pink spotting on pantyliner, which quickly turns brown, throughout the day. Really started to believe chances of being pregnant were very low.
11 DPO: Again I wake up to pee and wipe and there's pink spotting on tp, not as much as yesterday but still a lot. Spotting continues throughout the day, really just a few drops on pantyliner and seeing it when I wipe. I've pretty much lost all hope at this point but decide to take a an HPT (FRER that I had already) just to put it out of my mind. HPT is negative. I cry but then start to get over it.
12 DPO: I pee in the middle of the night and there's lots of fresh, pink and red blood in the toilet and when I wipe. I think I am FOR SURE out. Then funnily enough I have an OB-GYN appointment that morning that I made about a month ago, so I could speak to my OB about my cycle going from 31-28 days since my miscarriage and the spotting from 7 DPO to AF. They ask me to take a pregnancy test just as part of their policy. It's negative. My OB says that what's happened with my cycles since I mc'd is completely normal. She doesn't know why this happens but says it sounds in line with what happens to many woman. She has three children and has had three miscarriages and gives me some hope that yes, I will be pregnant again. Suggests using OPKs and then I go home feeling a bit more optimistic about the future and next cycle. I'm still spotting just a little throughout the day, still pink and very light. Figure AF will be here tomorrow or next day (I usually get it on 13 DPO).
13 DPO: I'm expecting cramps today (I get bad cramps about an hour before AF comes every month, just for the first few hours usually for the first day, sometimes on the second). No cramps. No bright pink in the toilet in the morning. I do spot a little with a BM (sorry TMI) and then there is a few drops in my pantyliner throughout the day but spotting is lighter than yesterday. That's weird, I think. But I wasn't taking my temperature this month so maybe I ovulated a day later than I thought?
14 DPO: No spotting all day. No sign of usual cramps. I've got no discernible symptoms that would make me think I'm pregnant, but I do think it's weird that the spotting has gotten lighter instead of heavier, as it would with AF. That's what happened the last time I got a BFP. I decide to wait another four days to take an HPT mostly as a gesture of staying calm about the whole thing. I was once eight days late, I tell myself.
15 DPO: No spotting all day AND my boobs are sore? They feel heavy and hurt on the sides, which is unusual for me before AF. Usually my boobs get a little sore but that's about a week before AF and gone by time it arrives, not the other way around? At around 12:30 at night I wake up feeling a bit nauseous. It's light, almost like I feel nervous about something. I tell myself I must have had a bad dream or I'm just imagining this and I go back to bed.
16 DPO: No spotting, boobs are still sore. I notice my fridge really smells and I just cleaned it? I have the worst sense of smell and for me to smell anything is unusual. Okay, tomorrow's the day to take a BFP.
17 DPO: BFP with FMUR!!! Right away too!! I wasn't surprised at this point, just happy my suspicions from the last day or two are confirmed. I bring the HPT (FRER) back to bed to show DH and we smile and cuddle a bit. I'm much less jump-up-and-down excited and less nervous this time. I'm super happy don't get me wrong but I've learned anything can happen, so I'm just trying to take it easy and put my faith in the universe.
One last thing I just want to share, that I've learned from my miscarriage and trying again. I know this is a long post and I apologize for those who may not want all this but I would read every detail of these things and it's the details that gave me hope. So what did I learn from my first pregnancy that didn't stick? I can't control the outcome of how this goes from here.
Sure, I can eat healthy and take care of myself and get rest when I need it, but beyond that it's not up to me. With my first BFP and pregnancy I was worried about everything. Was my body working properly? Was the baby healthy? Were my symptoms/lack of symptoms normal? All that worrying made no difference in the end.
I know it won't make a difference this time either. It doesn't mean I won't worry. I'm human and I forgive myself for being one! I can already feel that the days and moments leading up to my first ultrasounds (if I make it that far) will be a challenge after my first experience was so devastating. But at the end of the day I've learned I did what I could do to to increase my chances of getting pregnant, but if or when I did was out of my hands. Now that I am pregnant, staying that way is mostly out of my hands also.
Everyday I will send blessings and love to my little rainbow bean and I will pray and take care of myself and love myself and hope for the best. That's it. That's all I can do.
Sending love and baby dust to all of you trying, just pregnant and beyond!